Rambling Thoughts Late AT Night
at the end of the day
when all is dark and silent
all i hear is my heart beating
within my familiar self
a glow from the tv
i pull an old blanket about myself
i shiver, recall the past
the shell of home interior
is secure, i think, from outside
wind and air that claws and grasps
the computer is off for now
i’ve had it
the phone rings once, twice -
my partner in the night,
a reassurring voice of
‘every thing’s fine’ from his
place in the woods
‘i’m feelin melancholic’ i tell him
‘it’s okay - all right,’ he says
‘the weekend is soon here’
a glass of milk
my nightly pills
my project runway
a marilyn film
a music video
the world news
the evil bush -
it’s all too much
my brain dissolves
a comfort bath
i pray aloud -
oh god, do save us all from violence,
war, and the hardships all are facing!
let those who hurt, not hurt
let those who suffer, not suffer
let love shine into all our
hearts!
then soaking wet
i catch sight of my mirrored
image:
wet bleached hair tickling my back
my high cheek bones are still quite high
my lively but tired blue eyes
i like myself
in spite of myself
naked on the big bed
i am alabaster gorgeous
still
my paintings watch me
a sad old image flickers on tv
a blanket tries to provide comfort
asleep, asleep? - but no.
i look up at the ceiling
i tell myself
i’ll try like hell to make the next day better
i’ll express the love i feel for those i love
i’ll hug my friends
i’ll forgive my foes
i’ll like myself better, even though i’m flawed
i’ll do things creative
i’ll see the places i go as magical
i’ll see the people i encounter as brothers, sisters
i’ll encourage those who struggle
i’ll try to forgive those who have hurt me
i’ll stand up for someone unpopular
i’ll make someone laugh
i’ll see the color although it’s grey
i’ll love myself even though i’m gay
i’ll dare myself to love myself, even more
i’ll treasure any moments i feel inspired
i’ll be truthful when inquired
i’ll compliment those in need
i’ll tell a few jokes, a funny story,
an embarrassing truth
i’ll admit i’m still goofy
(i never left that stage)
yes, i finally like
my freckles,
my big fat lips,
my small soft hands,
my smart-ass quips,
my liberal stance,
my sensitive self
it’s okay that i love attention
it’s okay that i love to dance
in a downtown bar
to be a star
while other adults are happy
behind a desk,
on a leather couch
back to earth, i tell myself
it’s me -
awkward sometimes, high strung
silly, emotional,
determined poet, me
i can do it
with god’s help
i sing my song
in this quiet room
i like my voice
what i’ve got to say
i’m off to sleep
but just one more
‘thank you, god’
i start to think
again
and then i drift off
at mid-phrase
mid-word
mid-prayer
